I see you
by Hopefullydepressed
Summary: Maya and Riley haven't been spoke in years after a big fight. But when troubles arrive Maya is the first person Riley runs to for help. Can they reconcile after all those years?
1. Chapter 1

I usually stay by myself, alone, not because no one would want to stay in my company ,but because I don't want no one's company. Long time I decided that the only way, to protect my heart from pain and disappointment , is to keep everyone at a safe distance. Today I came again to my favorite place in New York , the subway station. The subway is a wonderful place. Not because is an architectural wonder, but because the people ,who are always coming and going. Even thought this place can be dirty and smelly, it still has it's appeal to me. I like to watch every person who goes by me and wonder, from where is he or she coming , where is he or she hurrying, what goes in her or his life. So many questions are running in my head every time I am sitting here . Being one of 8.6 million of people in New York should make me small and insignificant, but it just make me feel special, like somewhere I really belong.

When I am not just watching the hurrying people, I am sketching them. I always bring it with me a huge notepad and some of my favorite pencils ,to capture this forever moving moment. I a have tons of drawings with total strangers. Doing this is how I got a good job at a famous gallery. Someone discovered me in central park drawing his toddler. For my luck he owned a pretty good gallery.

Today I am not here because bored and lonely , feeling the need to be close to other's in a safe way. Today I need distraction. Today ,after eight years of silence, I got a message from my ex-best friend, Riley. I haven't spoke with her from high-school when she showed me her true nature and broke my heart. The message was a letter , but it was so short that I call it just a message. _Maya, please meet me in front of Topanga's on Wednesday, 5 may at 5 o' clock._ _ **Riley**_. There was no explanation for why she wants to see me after all of this years of distance or why she scribbled in such a hurried desperation. She used to have the prettiest calligraphy, but this writing is almost indecipherable.

Two hours, I have to hours to decide whether I'll go or not to meet Riley. Two hours full of millions of questions fast pacing in my mind. All I can do is to sit still and watch how every person is hurrying and maybe that hurry made me finally decide what to do. Life is short. I am not gonna let this to be one of the what if moments. I'll see Riley, I'll find out what she wants,I'll find out why was a desperation in her when she wrote the letter.

I get up maybe a little bit to sudden,because I became all of sudden dizzy, but I am determined.

I hurry to Topanga's , the little café that once was a dear hang out place for Riley ,me and our gang . As i get closer I feel uncertainty creeping in and old wounds opening up. As I get to the corner of the I change my mind and slowly turn around. I manage to take just one step when I feel a hand one my shoulder. The touch is light , familiar almost comforting. I turn around and look in Riley's eyes. Same colour shape as I remember and once adored. She is the same. Riley got some curves in all the right places , but that's the only difference I sense.

„Maya..." My name , is the only world that leaves her lips after a long uncomfortable silence. I can feel the tension almost like a living being between us. This kind of tension never existed between us. I stay stilk watching her, taking in every inch of my ex best friend.

„Maya.." I can see how she mouths my name ,without hearing her voice.

None of us said anything and we stayed there staring at each other. I can't take my eyes of her. All those years of friendship were nothing if something so stupid destroyed so easily everything we had . I can see how hard she is trying to formulate her thoughts in words. In that moment I realize that I have enough of this silence.

„So? Why did you wanted to see me after all this time?" Old memories are finding their way out . To protect my heart I buried the past deep inside and created myself a new future. A future of loneliness and numbness where no one can ever hurt me. If I don't get attached to no one , no one breaks my heart. Is that easy. But this meeting opened Pandora's box and all those memories found their way to the surface. Riley and I going to school together on the subway. Riley, me and our group hanging out on the school hallway , at Topanga's or at Riley. Our trip to Texas , our late night phone calls. Our differences that always somehow brought us closer. Everything is pacing in front of my eyes and an old ache comes back to my heart. I missed her, all those years she was still awake in my heart, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it , no matter how much I tryed to numb the pain. I did really wished to forget her, but her presence on my life made me ,me. She is a part of me and I couldn't really let her go. I hoped that she will try to reconcile.

„I think... ummm.. no... I know... I-I am stalked..." I was hoping for an apology which I would have ignored a little but afterwards I would have accepted. Not in a million years did I dreamed about this. I was shocked. I opened and closed and opened again my mouth like fish. This left me wordless.

„Wait what?" Now I realize how stressed and anxious she looked from th moment that I laid my eyes on her. Riley looks exhausted,like she didn't slept good for a while. I start to take on all of the signs that shows that she is not alright. There are dark circles around her eyes. Her clothes are a disaster,like she put them on herself randomly. She looks in every direction as if she is searching for something. I believe her . I believe that she is stalked. The only thing that I don't understand is why she called me here ? After all this time after our spit, why did she confess this to me?

„What does this has to do with me?" I ask her nonchalantly, even though my whole body shakes with concern for her. She was my best friend, I trusted and loved her once and she could be in danger. Once again I wonder how could we let a boy come between us. She averts her gaze and watches her shoes , long enough for me think that she wont answer, that she will change her mind, turn around and leave me once again. I realize that I don't want her to go and let me live in my old pain and numbness .

„I want you to live with me. I kept it secret hoping it will pass, but it just worsen." she finally said .

„Tell the police, your parents they'll keep you safe. Your mom is a respected lawyer, she'll know what to do." I say softly. I am sure that, this is what she should do . I want her safe.

„I can't...I just... can't. My parents have enough problems with Auggie, I can't let them be concerned about me too." she said with tears forming in her eyes. I watch her wiping one tear with the back of her hand and wonder how many things changed between us. Years ago she would run to her parents or if I would be in her situation she would tell me to go to her parents. What problems could Auggie make? He was such a sweet child. What happened all this years?

„Are you out of your mind woman? No matter what problems makes Auggie, you need help ,protection."

„That's why I am coming to you Maya. You are the most courageous, fierce girl I ever knew. Move in with for a while..."

„Whaaat." I yell in shock. That's a crazy idea . So many things can go wrong.

„I need you Peaches. You are my protecting angel."

 _I watch as Helga goes to Riley with a vicious grin on her face. Something is on her mind and is not a good something. Riley smiles sweetly to Helga likea she is not the meanest girl in our grade. I see her greeting the little monster innocently. She is not my concern, I just meet her and even though she was kind to me, she still isn't my concern. Helga pushes her down and insults her drawing of what seems to be a purple cat. Her laugh is echoing in my hand and guilt flows through my veins. After all it seems that she became my concern. I run with my head into Helga's stomach, who instantly begins to cry. „Her drawing isn't stupid, you're stupid" I said courageously. Riley gets up and comes to hug me. „You are my protecting angel. I told you and I'll tell you once again let's be best friends." I never thought that all you have to do to get a best friend is to climb a window and punch a bully. From that moment we became inseparable._

What went wrong , I ask myself once again.

„I don't know,Riles. I need time to think." i scribbled my phone number on a paper and shoved it in her hands. „We'll keep in touch. Bye" I turned around and left, not even once looking back. All he way home I wondered if I destroyed my chances to befriend with Riley again.

...«»«»«»...

Two days. Two days sine i saw Riley. Two days since she left me in shock with her confession. Two days of constant worry . Two days passed and I haven't heard nothing from her. Not once i turned back from my way to her parents place. Not once I blamed myself for leaving her. My phon started to buzz and I jumped up, startled by the sound. An unknown number was calling, probably Riley. I just watched dumbfounded the number, when the buzz stoped. _What the hell am I doing?_ I called her back as fast as I could..

„Riles, I'min. Let's do this."


	2. Chapter 2

I was unpacking my things at Riley's, cursing the whole time my moment of weakness. Is not like I don't want to help her, but I don't think is a good idea. I still think she needs to ask for help.

„Maya, we have to speak about what happened years ago." started my once dear friend. She wanted to talk, wanted to make it up for all that lost time. I wanted to leave the past in the past. I didn't want to bring the past back.

„Look, Sunshine, we argued , you called me names, I called you names . We hadn't spoke for y8ears. End of story. You need help, I'll help you, just if you don't talk about what happened." I was unfair and i knew it, but I was to tired to live in the past and I definitely had enough being in pain because of that . U

„Maya, please...? Listen..." She didn't know, what she wanted to say. Maybe apologies or tried to make ne understand her or just listen to her reasons. I didn't really want to hear any of that.

„No, you listen. Tell me about your stalker. When it started? What he did? How dangerous is he?"

Everything started two months ago. Riley was sitting in front of her computer arranging her papers for her boss, when she received a weird email. Someone wrote an explicit letter about what he wanted to do to her, how and where? She became scared and couldn't sleep a whole night. But after a week without any event , she ignored the mail. Two weeks after the mail she received a picture of her walking to the work and in the back of the picture , was written : _I see you._ From that moment things happened more often. Emails, pictures , letters, slow messages came almost daily. The worst of it was when she received a picture of her sleeping in her own bed. That really freaked her up. Then she decided to ask for help. Went straight to her parents for help, only to arrive in the center of an argument between her parents about Auggie (now he likes to be called August) He was a sophomore now and started to go to some shady parties and to heavy drink. Riley stopped in the doorway and looked at him, deciding that it was for better not to say anything about her problems.

I was shocked by every word that came out of her mouth. It was worse than i imagined . She looked at me with teary eyes ,pleading for help, for not letting her down

„I still think you have to speak to the police.."

Riley's place was small , one room, kitchen , bathroom and a small living room. Her room was exactly how it would have been years room was lavender with a big king size bed in the center which had purple covers on. She is the same. I am not.

Three days , three days since I moved to Riley. Three days and noting happened. No picture, no message ,letter or email. I started to believe , that it was just a plan to reconcile. After the shock went of , it was hard to believe that this things happen in real life. I wanted to go home, i missed my intimacy. I couldn't even paint because i felt like I could suffocate in any second. Is not like i want to doubt her, but things like this are hard to believe. Maybe her plan succeeded.

"Riley, maybe he won't come back" I said in my third night at her.

"I really hope so, Peaches." _Peaches._ My old nickname echoed in my head ,bringing spiraling emotions and memories with itself.

"Don't call me Peaches, again." I said sharply, more than I wanted. I hated the memories that came with that name. I wanted to bury deep down all of those feelings , all the security and comfort that came with those memories. It was all a lie. First Riley and then the rest. They all disappointed me.

„Sorry, Maya, I haven't thought , that it would bother you. I used to call you like this... I am sorry ..."

„Is in past Riley. Let's start over. We can't rewind time, but we can't try a bew beginning." I extended my hand , daydreaming about new beginnings . „Hi, I'm Maya, you seem pretty cool. We should hang out sometime."

Riley giggled and watched my hand, hoping. She took the chance and held my hand in a strong grip.

„Nice to meet you. I am Riley Matthews." We looked at each other and started to laugh simultaneously. Like good old days."

We started to spoke at the same time, filling each other in with our past years. It felt so natural to speak to her.

„Your paintings are hanging in the most popular gallery of from Greenwich village? You did really showed who are you to all the people who said that you will get nowhere in life."

„Is not about , showing people, Riles. I am proud of myself, I do what I love and I do it for living. I earn pretty good. And all happened because I love to catch, special or usual moments from people life, on paper. You did pretty good yourself. That's a great company you work for. Your hard work got its reward." Riley turned scarlet from my compliment. She was relaxed for the first time since we meet almost a week ago.

„Yeah... but is not a big deal. I lack the passion that you have for your paintings. I don't do this with love like you do." I watch my friend long, trying to remember what aspirations she used to have, only to fail. She used to have a passion for life , but I can't remember any dream job of her.

„You told me you worked there only for six months, it can grow on you."

„Yeah... I don't think so... I have another dreams, but my parents don't agree with me. They say that I habe great opportunity and I shouldn't screw it up for some childish dreams." she said , her eyes growing big with sadness. She started to fidget, growing uncomfortable. I could see that she was disappointed in her parents. It was obvious that she was doing something she didn't like ,just because she didn't want to disappoint them.

„What dream?" She started to fidget again, as if she wasn't sure about telling me about her dreams.

„Well I wanna be a lawyer just like my mom. She is my inspiration." I understood her parent's motives. She was to soft to be lawyer, but I understood her need to be like her mom too.

„Well, if that's what you really want and you don't wanna do this just to demonstrate something." I told her with sincerity. I didn't see her as a lawyer, but I can see her determined enough to do that. „I think you should do itt."

„Thank you ,Maya, it means a lot."

That night I couldn't sleep well, this was the first night uneasy. The whole night i felt like someone was watching me. Next morning I finally understood why I couldn't sleep. When I came in Th kitchen I saw Riley freaking out and being hysterical. From her eyes I could see that she cried.

„What's up Riles?" I asked her ,scared about what could be the answer. „What happened?"

„He was there , he was there again. I thought he stopped. I thought my plan worked." Riley spoke between her sobs. „She pushed this in from under the door." continued Riley and showed me a picture of her and I , sleeping. I felt my body shivering with fear. It was a horrific feeling , like I was robbed of intimacy. I watched long that photo, my expression of horror frozen on my face. I just couldn't believe that someone walked around me while I was sleeping, even photographed me.

„That, asshole. If i ever catch him, I'll kill him." I felt my body shaking forcefully with utter shock.

„I'm in sorry Maya" said Riley shaking her head with horror. „I hoped he'll be leave me alone ."

„No, Riley, I am so sorry, for some moments i doubted you." I've felt guilty, because of this , I should have believed her.

„It's okay, Peaches." I' ve flinched as the word left her mouth. „He should have left me alone.I am so stupidly naive " I ignored the old nickname just because I was to offended by the events .

„If I ever find out who this asshole is I will make him regret the day he heard Maya Hart's name."

That photo make ne feel violated in the worst ways. I did understand why Riley looked so lost and disorganized.

„I just want him to leave me alone." said Riley beaten . She was so tired by everything that for the first time in years I felt really sorry for her.

„We will make him stop, Riles, I promise." I couldn't say the last word with honest certainty. „Now , please let's get out if here I need some air." And that's what we did. We went out far from her apartment, but somehow not far enough to erase the hard uneasiness weighing on my heart. We got to a bar and I ordered a tequila, needing some liquid strength in my veins.

„Don't you wanna drink something?" I asked lifting a brow. She stayed right there like a lost little kid.

„Not now, i kind of go insane from alcohol." I tried to imagine her drunk, without succes. In my mind she is the same obedient little girl, even though she is definitely not a little girl anymore. „I don't want ,Him, to catch me unprepared." It was logical, she was logical. I wanted to enjoy the night with an old friend and she could really use some fun.

„Come on, baby girl, don't you wanna have some fun with me? Are you chickened out? Just a shot." I tried to provoke her. I've been alone for so long, I've pushed people out for so long. Tonight I won't be lonely. Tonight I'll let the past to catch up with me.

Riley, somehow, decided to party and she really went insane from the little alcohol she consumed . She danced and danced without stoping for pause, all thw boys were all around her. Mostly she danced with and old acquaintance from school, Charlie Gardner. They would really made a great couple. I should ask her if she sees him differently.

„Thank you, Maya, for making me leave all the problems home. I really needed some fun." she said coming next to me and hugged me tightly. „By the way, this is Charlie, we went to school together. He invited me to dance and he's such a great dancer ,that I don't want to share him with other girls" continued Riley was as she inched a little closer to him. Charlie laughed, keeping his eyes on her the whole time. His fingers were drawing circles on her arm. I felt in plus, so I went to the bar to flirt with the handsome bartender.

When we got home I started to interogate her about Charlie, but she insisted that there was nothing between them, maybe just a little alcohol. Then I started to ask her about her love life, mostly curious if she got together with the boy that destroyed or friendship (honestly, we destroyed it, more than he). But she named a few strangers and Farkle. She and Farkle were together for a year after school. Riley broke up with him because he was to jealouse. They stayed friends after the initial hurt passed.I wondered if one of her exes was the stalker..

„Zay, Smackle? How are they" I purposely left out Lucas' name. I wasn't ready yet to hear about him, the way I wasn't ready to meet Riley days ago.

„They are dating. Zay asked me if Smackle would accept, if he'll propose." said Riley with her eyes gleaming from happiness. I was happy , even I never thought they will ever become a couple. I always thought she and Farkle will last. I wondered why I severed every contact with all of my friends and why I never accepted none of Riley's calls or messages.

Maybe I was to stubborn or I exaggerated. Now is to late to be sorry . „I'd like to meet them, Zay and Isadora, I want to see how they work as a couple. Maybe see Farkle too."

„Don't you want to see Lucas too?" asked Rikey innocently.

„Don't Riley, just don't." I responded angry. How could this hurt after all this time. Was it because I never let myself love after that? Was it because they left a hole in my heart?

„He chose you, Maya, he chose you and you left him, us. I was at fault ,I know that we never were the same, he never was the same."

„Never is a big word, Riley. I am tired. I'm going to sleep." With that I left, wondering how Lucas turned out.


	3. Chapter 3

I was sitting in the subway train when I saw him. At first I wasn't sure that it was him, because he changed a lot, but then he turned an faced me and I recognized that charm from his eyes. He was so different but somehow still the same I won't lie and say that seeing him didn't affect me, cuz it did, a lot. Years ago I thought he was handsome, now he is stunning and I hate myself for glaring at him like an idiot. I spent years avoiding the Matthews. From the day I graduated I haven't seen none of them. Now in the course of one week I saw two ,first Riley and now Joshua Matthews. I haven't thought he saw me or if he did , I haven't thought that recognized me , so I tried to make myself little to not draw attention at me. I throw some small glances in his direction , feeling more nervous than ever. When I looked at him shortly once again our eyes met , I averted my gaze fast, but he started to come I my direction and I couldn't think of any way to avoid the meeting.

„Maya, is this really you. I haven't seen you in ages." He looked at me from head to toes and uneasiness crept in my whole body. _What if he see me like he saw me years ago?_ I watched him long and let my lips to curve in a confident smile.

„Yeah, Josh, is me , Maya Hart. You look more handsome than I remembered." I said batting my eyelashes. I wasn't planning to seduce him and get my once dreamt happily ever after. I wasn't that naive anymore. Flirting with Josh was always natural to me and so was now. I was ,some grades, still attracted to him. He still had that bad boy air in him.

„You look gorgeous. You grew stunningly." I waited for the well known butterflies to flutter in my stomach only to realize that my reactions for him changed. I was very flattered and I was still attracted to him, but that childish adoration was gone. I can act mature in front of people I like.

„Thank you, Josh." His name left my lips in a low whisper. I gained so much confidence, just by the realisation that there is no more age difference issues. Now we're equal. „It was a pleasure to meet you, but I have to go I said as I hurried to disappear in the now opening door. „Wait..." was all I heard the moment I left the subway train.

As I get back to Riley, I found her sitting in the kitchen her eyes unfocused on the wall in front of her. I was sure something happened, but I didn't know what.

„Riley everything is fine?" I asked as I closed the door behind me. She jumped, startled by my voice and turned around all of sudden. She was scared. „What happened?"

„Nothing. Just another disgusting mail. The problem is this is the first time that he sounded more threatening... I'll be fine."

„How are you fine,Riley? You look like a total mess. Do you realize that you have a red and a yellow sock?"She looked down at her legs and blushed with embarrassment.

„This is how the pair is." She said lightly, even thought she knew there was no way I could believe it."

I snorted. „The red is much longer than the yellow."

„Josh called" said Riley changing the subject „and h3 asked about you. He said that you two met on a subway train and then you left him before he could ask for your number." I didn't want to accept the change of subject, but Josh asking about me stole my attention .

„How he knew that he could learn things about me ,from you? How it comes that he called you this fast? You and I haven't spoke in years." She looked a little guilty, but when she continued, her voice wasn't shaking. „You know how we're, the Matthews, we spoke about everything."said the brunette confidently.

„Yeah? Like you been stalked?" her face became once again scarlett, but somehow she still managed to continue nonchalantly. „And he ,Josh, asked me to ask for your permission to give him your phone number." The little girl in me jumper and danced with happiness. This was what I waited for years, even when I was liking Lucas I was still keeping a little hope for him. He meant stability and he meant a forever place in the Matthews family. The past played in front of my eyes like a movie abd for some moments i felt again, the same ways I used to feel. It was so exciting, but sadly only last some moments. I wasn't the same girl anymore and those feelings weren't mine. They were , but not the present Maya's. But still I found myself giving my permission.

„You have my whole permission." Riley smiled with an all knowing smile, that I pretended I didn't notice. „Peaches, you can still get the boy of your dreams." I looked at her thinking that once upon a time she would see how I am not as excited by Josh, as I used to be.

„I am not Peaches." I wasn't, I really wasn't. Peaches was Riley's best friend and now I don't know how we are.

„Sorry, Maya, I just forget that it bothers you." She looked really heartbroken and I let out a sigh of guilt. I couldn't forget everything, not yet.

„Is not that it bothers me... Ugh I can't explain." I watched her some more seconds, taking in her appearance and sighed again.

„Show me the e-mail he sent you." She shut her eyes tightly before going for her laptop.

 _You think that bringing in the blonde hoe will keep me away, but my dear I won't leave. My love for you is more powerful than anything or anyone in this whole world. You can run , but I will chase after you. You can hide and I will find you. Someday, someday my precious you'll see that we are meant to be. Until that day comes I'll keep an eye on you._

 _P.s. Your pink underwear is the cutest thing I ever seen. Can't wait to undress you from it_

 _Always and forever your devoted lover._

„Riley, look at me. Is. Not. That. Bad. You received worse. But once I catch that sick bastard I'll show him what this _blonde hoe_ iscapable of. I was annoyed with that asshole. Even if Riley hurted me , she didn't deserve this, she is still better than most people.

„Is not just this... He called... This is a first." I felt myself growing exasperated.

„Call the freaking police" I yelled annoyed with her and her stubborness. „This is not a game. Is not a freaking game." She started to cry silently, her body shaking from her sobs. I wasn't feeling guilty about yelling and making her cry. She had to understand the danger.

„I give you one week, Riles, one week. If you won't ask for help, I'll leave. If you don't do the responsible thing, you are in this shit alone." I left the kitchen followed by her histerical sobs. It was for her better. I kept telling myself as I drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

I entered in hurry the walmart when I spotted him. Like with Josh at first I wasn't sure if it was him but he spotted me too and obviously recognized with just one glance in my direction. He started to come to me and I panicked. So I hid behind the closest shelf and pretended be interested in spmething.

„Maya? I saw you come here, why are you hiding?" he asked his voice a little shaky. I willed my whole body to ignore him and continued to keep my eyes on the shelf in front of me. I heard footsteps behind me and shut my eyes tightly hoping against hope that it wasn't him.

„Maya is this really you? I can't express how happy I am to see you." he said with the brightest smile I ever seen on a face. I couldn't ignore him anymore. If the world decided to bring all my past crushes , why not Ryan Gosling? I didn't turn around, still uncertain about what to say. The whole situation was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. I opened my eyes and searched on shelf for something that i could interested in , but to my horror in front of ne were diapers and other baby stuff.

„Umm... Hi Lucas , I haven't saw you I was so caight up on looking for a...um..." I looked at the diapers and started to gesture nervously with my hands. „You know ... ummm... a present...that's what I was looking for a great present for a friend ,who just had a baby." i smiled pleased my own answer. „Good to see you ,Hu..Lucas." The old nickname felt wrong on my tongue, I couldn't say it. Our bickering was past. We were past. Now we are just two strangers looking at each other nervously. I watched him in silence, absorbing every change. He was tall, he used to be tall before, but now, he was really tall and broad-shouldered and I felt so small next to him. That was what attracted me to him from the first second when I saw him in the subway train, a life ago. He seemed strong and gentle at the same time . He was reading and I thought he was perfect for Riley, who knew that I would fall for him too.

„Maya, I can't express how happy I am to see you. I hoped I will see you from the day you left the graduation party. Can we speak please?" I was looking at him wondering what went wrong. How had I lost all of my friends? How had I let this happen?

„Save it Lucas. Is in the past." I heard my voice and familial words leaving my mouth automatically.

„After you finish your shopping can we go somewhere to speak, I want to speak to you." Something got into me , I don't know what, but as I agreed to Riley giving my number to Josh I find myseld agreeing again.

„Let's get things straight. There's no friend with baby. I wanted to.."

„I know." he said with his lips curving in a boyish grin. „You wanted to avoid me." I let out a nervous laugh. That's it with playing it cool and coming up with good lie.

„Okaaay... Since I don't remember anymore what I wanted to shop, lets just jump to the speaking." I said as confident as I could.

„I know a good bar near, want to go there. If you don't want to go anywhere else." I wanted to go anywhere else. To my bedroom in my own place with all of my painting supplies around me, still avoiding the whole world and past, but Maya Hart isn't a coward and has to face the past. So after years passing without seeing him, I somehow found myself following him into the bar and lettinf him ordering ne a drink. Weirdly it was the first time we drank alcohol together..

„So...?" I asked.

„So...?" He mirrored my question.

„What do you want to speak, Lucas?" I asked being annoyed by the silence. We used to know how to speak to each other, he was the first person with whom I spoke about belief. He was the one who believed in my art and helped me to keep the art class. We did always bicker and fought and spoke, but we didn't use to be speechless. It happened one time at a campfire and that ended terrible. Right there I confessed my feelings for him and maybe there started the disastrous triangle.

„I am not sure,Maya." he bit his lip and watched me with a conflicted look on his face. „I couldn't let you go, not this time, Maya. I let you go two times before and I don't want to let you go again. I regreted losing you for years, Maya. I saw you in every girl but none was enough, none was you." I was shocked by how raw he sounded, by the emotions painted on his face , it was to much. He let me go and I hated him for that. Both times I walked away slowly, to give him a chance to come for me. Both times he let me. And both times it broke my heart.

 _After my biggest argument with Riley , I went straight to my boyfriend, the one who could always comfort me. He welcomed me with rhe sweetest kiss from the history of kisses and I couldn't get enough of those. I loved him. Why was so hard to Riley to understand this. Why is everybody concerned by her and ignore my feelings as they are not even existing._

„ _Huckleberry." I called his nickname affectionately. „I had another argument with Riley, I don't think we will ever be the same. I think our friendship broke." Lucas became still and slowly let go of me and began to slowly inspect my face. Guilt crossed his face and I knew he was blaming himself for everything._

„ _Maya try to fix it. I know you can do it." I felt like i was slapped. I have to fix it , after all that she said after all the name she called me. We let Lucas to choose. It was consensual. She was so sure that , Lucas will chose her, that she didn't worried. Riley didn't take well that Lucas choose me and she became angry with me._

„ _I..." I swallowed a sob. „I have to fix this? Not without an apology." I yelled between tears._

„ _Maya, you know she is hurt and you know how she acts when she's hurt." I felt like screaming from the top of my lungs. Farkle told me to apologize, Lucas wants me to fix „everything". Everybody ignored my feelings. Like I couldn't be hurt,like they don't even know how long I was hurting when my dad turned his back to me and left me without explanation. Now all of the are turning their back to me._

„ _I know... I know Lucas. You know what you don't know? I am hurting to, my heart is bleeding. If you care so much about her feelings, just go to her . Offer her consolation and leave me alone. Because, Lucas Friar, you really hurt my feelings." I turned my back to him and slowly walked away, giving him a chance to come after me._

„ _Maya." He yelled after me, without makong any steps toward me. He is not coming. And when I was far enough I let out a loud sob. I decided that none of them deserves to be my friend anymore. Maybe we could have reconciled , but I didn't want to. Better leave them than let them leave you. From that day I ignored any attempt, from any of them, to come in contact with me. The only one with whom I still spoke sometimes was Zay, but never about what happened. I haven't seen him after school neither._

 _Three years passed since I broke up with my friends and first boyfriend. Three years I learned to live naturally without them. Three years of loneliness and only shallow friendships. And after today, I won't be have to see them again. The graduation was great and I can express how happy made me to see mom's and Shawn's expression of pride. I tried to ignore the way they watched my old squad hugging and I tried to ignore Shawn hugging and congratulating Riley. After that k went through the motions and I don't know how I got to the graduation party. I willed myself to have fun and I really had until somehow I got face to face with Lucas on the dance floor. This suddenly sent me back to the middle school semi-formal when we got into the same situation. I almost repeated the same words from that night. But I realized we are not the samw people. He is not Huckleberry anymore and I for sure am not the same Maya. That Maya was starting to hope, this Maya lost all of her belief in friendship. I headed for the different direction, when I felt his hands on my shoulder._

„ _Maya...dance with me." I turned around planning to reject him when he pulled me close and started to lead me into the rhythm of the music. I could have pushed him away but it felt so good to be this close to him._

 _After the dance he led me outside and I know he would want to speak and I wasn't ready. I built tall walls around my heart and feared he could break the down. When we got out Lucas called my name affectionately. „Maya...my blonde beauty. I missed you so much." His voice sounded so sincere and his eyes held so many emotions that I had ro close my eyes. When I opened them I saw him leaning toward me and I panicked. I stepped and i muttered a fast „I have to go" and I walked away. I looked back for a split second only to see him still standing ther with a confused look on his face. I wasn't confused . I could see things clear, he never cared enough to fight for me. My decision to totally kick them out of my life became stronger._

„What do you want from me Lucas?" I said harshly after all that hurt crossed my soul once again. So many years and I am the same idiot.

„I don't know. I saw you and acted on impulse. I panicked thinking I will never see you again. Maya you don't know how guilty I felt because I let you go. I cared so much about you and I was young and coward. I didn't know how to keep you. You were broken and i broke you more. The guilt overwhelmed for so much time. I don't make any sense. Sorry." This were the things I wanted to hear years ago. And that little girl still living inside of me jumped and danced, but I was older now and an apology won't repair the broken parts inside of me. I can't love him the way a i loved him before. Then I thought he was perfect, Lucas the good. I never imagined him breaking my heart, but he did and it hurted like hell. I felt I wasn't a girl worth fighting for, because if he would have come and apologize, I would have forgive him. He tried , but never enough. I wanted to be special to ve fighted for.

„I get it Lucas we were young. I made a mistake too. I never let you come close and apologize, when you tried I pushed you away." His gaze was locked with mine and I could see hope in his eyes. Maybe he just wanted to erase the guilt, maybe he was really sorry. I was certain of one thing, I had enough of loneliness.

„Maya I am so sorry that I let you go and I hadn't went after you. You deserved better." On the table his hand met mine and I felt a little squeeze on them. I let it this way for some seconds , so I can analyze my reactions. I felt nothing, no emotional bond to Lucas. I found him hot, that's sure, but years ago I loved him inside and outside. The Lucas in front of me I don't know anymore.

„All right , Friar, let's not get emotional. Better bury everything and let them stay in past." His hands were still on mine and he started to gently cares the skin on my hand.

„Can we be friends, Maya? Can we ever start being friends , again?" _Can we._ I asked myself too.

„We can try, cowboy." I said it, my tongue tripping over the last word. I really felt like using a nickname and that a good start. Maybe we could never start something romantically, but we can work out as friends.

„You don't know how much I missed your nicknames." He said laughing.

„You always hated my nicknames?" I responded with a similar laugh. I was feeling good. Maybe I can get back my friends and maybe we could have a second chance.

„Lucas, do you believe in second chances?" I asked surprisee by my own question.

„I do really believe that we get one." We started to talk about the past years. Lucas told me about his studies of veterinary medicine. I told him about the art school I was in and the gallery I am working for. He told me about his works for animal shelters and I spoke about me making up with Riley(omitting everything about her stalker, it wasn't my secret to tell). He told me how sorry he is about losing the both of us and I asked about Zay and his whereabouts. I was astonished by rhe fact that he became a dancer and appeared in music videos. We spoke and laughed so much that I forget about time.

„Look how late is." I observed. Lucas looked at the clock and agreed.

„See you again, Maya?" Did I want to see him again? _Definitely._ Said a voice inside of me.

„Sure" I wrote down my number on a paper. „Call me sometimes." He grinned and his face lighted up with happiness.

„Can't wait to." I hurried back to Riley, really hurried about her being in danger. When I entered in her apartment I found Josh sitting at the kitchen table and smiling at me. _The universe is not giving me a pause._ I told myself.

„Hi, Hart. Glad to see you again." He smiled at me , turning my world upside down. _I am so dead._


	5. Chapter 5

After my sort-of-friends-date with Lucas the last things I expected to find home (Riley's home) was Josh sitting nonchalantly at the kitchen table. I wanted to scream out loud emotionally exhausted from the universe making me face the past. After talking to Lucas I was really tired, even though I had a good time. To many memories came back to life, only to drain me of my energy. Seeing Josh there meant that I have to face my biggest-ever-past-crush. He was there smiling and looking freaking hot. If I deeply analyze my feelings ,I can definitely tell that I never loved him for real. If I analyze my reactions , I can tell that if he would have given me chance I would have fallen deep in love with him. I liked him and I was attracted to him, but I never got the chance to really know Joshua Matthews.

„Josh... I wasn't expecting to see you here" _Where the hell is Riley and why the hell is Josh here._ I had no answers and really hoped he will give them without me asking for them.

„Hi to you too. Riley went out and told me I can wait for said you went for groceries." His eyes landed on my empty hands and I felt the heat climbing up to my cheeks. I forgot the groceries.

„For how long you waited for me?" I asked curiously, since I've been gone for while.

„Long enough to realize you weren't doing groceries."

„And you still waited?"I Iet out the question raising an eyebrow.

„You are worth waiting for." Those words needed some long seconds to make their way to my brain. When they got there my heart skipped a beat. I can't remember when did someone said something so nice to me the last time. I didn't really make time for dating.

„Since when?" I asked, my voice charged with more anger than I planned. Did he want to play with my feelings?

„Hart, I waited for you to grow up for a long time. You ran away from Riley and with that I lost all of my chances." My heart started to beat furiously in my chest and I started to furiously scold myself. _Maya you are not a lovestruck kid._

„You waited for me?"

„Yeah. I liked you. But it felt wrong to go after my niece's best friend. I was older and no one would have seen a relationship between us healthy."

„All of this." I gestured toward him and I. „I think this confession came to late." I couldn't believe all of this. The girl I used to be felt a powerfull loss. All those years we could have been happy, I could have someone. If he would have confessed , I would have never fell for Lucas and if I would have never fell for Lucas, I would have never lost all of my friends. Suddenly I felt very angry at him, because I, involuntary, started to blame him. „I don't have feelings for you anymore." I lied between my lips. I can't explain what I felt for him or if I still had feelings for me him. He stood up and made a few confident steps and stopped right in front of me. He put both of his hands on the back of my chair so I was caged between his arms. A sharp intake of breath left my lips all of sudden. When he started to lean toward me only leaving inches between us , I panicked and put both of my hands on his chest to push him away. When I pushed his lips curved in a grin and I realized that I haven't moved him at all. His smile entranced me, but his leaning toward me still made me uneasy so I pushed him once again, this time stronger.

„Let go of me!" I yelled breathing heavily. His closeness woke up inside of ne unknown feelings that scared the shit out of me. I shouldn't feel this way.

„What's up, Hart, isn't this what you wanted?" I couldn't believe the words that left his mouth. I felt everything inside of me boiling from anger. How dared he speak to me like this. I feared that I could cry so I let the anger to take me over.

„I am glad , Josh, that we never had a chance, because you are a disgusting pig." I don't know if the words that I said affected him or if he saw how sad-angry he made me, but in that second I saw his expression shifted to regret.

„Maya,I am so sorry!" He said with honest regret but I couldn't trust him anymore. Even though I wanted him to kiss me, his comment really hurt me. He couldn't really believe that after all this time he can come and take me for granted. He watched me for some long seconds, his eyes begging for forgiveness and I had to look in other direction , afraid of a moment of weakness.

„Me too. Now get lost." I couldn't contain the shaking that crept in my voice, but right then, I couldn't care less. I wanted him gone, before I start to beg him to stay. In me the old Maya was fighting with the new one, the new one won. I looked at him with disgust.

„Maya, I can explain." Part of me really wanted to hear his explanation.

„Save it, out." He got up and leaved the apartment in silence. „Maya, I am sorry." he apologized once again before closing the door behind him. I watched the closed door for a long time after he left. I wanted him to kiss me, I really wanted, but I wanted him to kiss the Maya I am now . I wanted to kiss the real Josh , not the-perfect-boy-Josh I used to love. Frankly, my feelings to Josh were shallow ( I felt for him because he was a Matthews and I wanted to be a Matthews) and I wanted a chance to really fell for him. Maybe there are no second chances. I sat there in the same position until Riley came home.

„Maya!" she called my name. „What happened?"

„Nothing... Why are you asking?" I finally took my stare of the door and looked at my friend.

„Because you haven't heard me calling your name three times."

„I haven't noticed you came home."

„You saw me coming in, you were looking at me when I came in." I throw one last glance at the door and then back at Riley.

„I don't wanna talk about it."

„Are you angry at me for telling Josh ,that he can wait for you?" Am I angry at her?

„No." I realized, I really wasn't. I glanced at the clock, realizing that I have been sat there for two hours. I shook my shoulders and looked at Rikey once again.

„I think we should reunite the old gang." I said changing the subject of the Josh. I still wasn't ready to talk about the previous event. Riley's face lit up with happiness and one of the most beautiful smiles curved on her lips.

„Maya, that's a great idea. Zay, Smackle, Farkle and umnm... Lucas. Can he come too?"

„Of course he can." I started to feel her enthusiasm sticking to me.

„I haven't spoke with him for years too." said Riley a little deflated. „Zay will invite him."

„Or I can invite him. We ran in each other in the walmart and we changed numbers." I smiled at her nervously, while she smiled thrilled by my voice.

„Maybe you two can work things out. I won't mind it"

„No, Riley. Stop this. I don't wanna wake old romances between me and Lucas, nor between me and Josh. Riley we can't continue where we stopped."

„Sorry, Maya, the past is in the past. I just wanna see you happy." I wanted to be happy, that's why I am letting go of all the pain I held inside for so long.

„I am happy." I am. Maybe if I tell myself long enough I'll start to believe it. _I am happy , I am happy, Maya Hart is really happy._ I wanted to scream it out loud.

„You seem a little lost sometimes..." Riley sounded uncertain about what I am ready to talk about. And she was right , I wasn't ready to speak about a lot of things.

„By the way, where you been. I was worried bout you not coming home." I said,craving a change of subject. She blushed. That blush made me wonder if she was dating someone. Maybe that Gardner boy. Maybe Dean from work, whon she's talking about or Brandon , her brooding neighbour with whom she has a lot of chemistry(they can't get along).

„I was at Farkle's place. I was scared to stay home alone" the redness from her cheeks got some shades darker. _Is she still having feelings for him?_

„Are you two dating, again?" I raised an eyebrow and contained a laugh. That boy had a crush for us for,like ages and I always knew that he cared a little more about her. She told me that they dated years ago, I thought it was long over.

„Noo. What? Noo. I mean whaat?" she turned now scarlet and I couldn't stop from laughing.

„Yess, yess yess." I yelled between my laughs . „Riley and Farkle are meant to be." I said in a sing song voice.

„Stop,Maya!" She really put effort in sounding offended, but she failed miserably and started to laugh with me.

„You two are made for each other." I said, this time seriously." There were, I believed it. She was a romantic who believed in love( I wasnt, I didn't) she deserved it and I really wanted to see her happy.

„I don't know, Maya. He's hot and cold and it confuse the shit"she blushed „ out of me."

„What do you mean hot and cold?"

„He has a lot going on his life and sometimes he shares his problems with me and other time he pushes me away." her voice shook with emotions . I knew at that moment that she really cared about him(I could call it love) and this whole situation made her go nuts.

„What can go on with Farkle ? He would have never pushed you away." Not her. He chose her all those years before, even though it meant giving up on her and losing me. He would have been pushing her and Lucas together, if that would havw made her happy.

„Complications with his dad and his company. Sometimes things get rough." She was vague , not wanting to spill Farkle's secrets .

„Then he really needs good time with his old friends."

„Do you think so?" She asked hope creeping in ber eyes.

„I believe."

We started to make plans. We decided to invite whole gang here. We can easily order food, get some drinks and be louds since Riley's closest neighbors are never home. Everything sounded perfect and I once again lt myself hope (my mind kept scolding my heart for this).

„Maya, isn't it weird that we lived together for a while but we never speak about our argument?"asked Riley feeling that my defense broke a little. The walls around my heart were still strong enough to block any confession.

„ Riley, I am to tired to speak about that shit." I told her annoyed that she destroyed a great evening between us with this question.

„Maya we can't rebuild our friendship without discussing it's downfall."

„We will discuss ,but not now. Riley , if is okay with you, I'll sleep in the kitchen."

„What? How?"

„I am small enough to fit in that couch." I pointed toward a small couch.

„You don't have to do this ,Maya. I am sorry." She looked ready to cry.

„I am not angry at you. I just need some time alone. I want a little privacy."

I wasn't small enough to fit on the couch. It was a bad freaking idea. I've been laying there for two long hours and I was to stubborn to go to Riley. I started to count sheeps a hour ago and I realized it was a stupid thing to do after I got twenty-five, but still continued to count.

My phone started to ring and it startled me. I fell from the couch hard enough to knew that I'll be bruised. I looked at the phone and saw that is an unknown number. A little afraid I responded.

„Hello. Who the hell are you?"

„Ummm...sorry if is late...Josh here..."

„Josh?" I watched the ceiling, confused by his call. When one, then two minutes passed without any words between started to be annoyed. „What do you want?"

„I wanted to apologize again, Maya. I couldn't sleep because I kept on thinking about you. I am miserable knowing that I hurt you." I was a bitch feeling good , knowing he was feeling bad. I wanted him to regret those words. „ You are an amazing person and you deserve so much more"

„Josh...stop." I was afraid that if he wont stop talking I was going to run to him and start to slowly destroy him. He hurt me, but still he deserved more than a broken person ,as I am. I was so needy in my few relationships that I decided that I am better alone. My jealousy will destroy us.

„Maya, listen, I want to give us a chance. Tell me if there is any possibility that you feel the same." My dad left my mon and we had a hard life because of that. I don't want to experience that again. I gave love some chances. But everytime is the same. I am clingy and needy and he tells me that he needs space and then he tells me the „is me not you" shit.

„I forgive you Josh..." I stopped swallowing down the tears that started to sting my eyes. „I don't need any relationship right now. I had a rough year."

„Can we stay friends at least?" He asked after a long pause fell between us.

„Yeah...night, Josh."

Young Maya was screaming at me furiously, while I was sitting on the floor hugging tightly my knees. I can't be with someone, I can't break another person. _Maya Hart is better when she flies solo._ I toldmyself forcing a smile on my lips.


End file.
